MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
Everytime there's a holiday I get a little ticked off and stressed out...I get miffed and sad...I get anxious and irritated. Holidays suck... They are riddled with triggers. It's hard to be thankful some days for the grief that we have. I know we're supposed to give thanks today but it's hard when you're sad. I wish holidays were easier...I wish I had some kind of connection to my first mother...or even my Aunts and Uncles. Is it too much to ask to be able to have a relationship with my brother's and sisters.
I know I'm supposed to be thankful, but it hurts to remember what I've lost...
I am so fortunate to have family that talks openly with me. I have another cousin in England that I can communicate with. He only just recently found out about a half brother and 2 half sisters that were adopted. I have to say it doesn't really suprise me though. It appears to be more common than people actually know. Especially in my family.
Everyday someone has a Birthday...everyday an Adoptee has a Birthday...everyday there is a struggle to get through the day...every fucking day! Don't get me wrong, some of the kept have sad thoughts on their Birthday's, but it usually involves them being upset about getting another year older.
The Adoptee has to suffer the grief they have had to endure since birth...how many kept can say this? How many kept dare to say they suffer more on their birthday than an Adoptee?
It would be nice for once to receive a hug of compassion on my birthday from someone who understands that all I want to do is grieve. I need to grieve for the loss of my first mother...I need to grieve for the loss of my heritage...I need to grieve for the loss of my Ancestors...for my loss of who I should've been.
Our brain was rewired a birth...we had no knowledge of this...there were no Doctors that knew this was a thing when I was born. Now that we know this, we can only hope that our healthcare system can get with the program and help us. We shouldn't have to do it alone. We have already had to grow up alone in a family of strangers.
"I wonder what happened 25 years ago. I wonder if she was alone. Was she surrounded by any friends or family? I wonder what her first thoughts were. I wonder what this means for my future. I wonder if I'll ever "get over it". I wonder when this day won't be full of pain and disdain. I wonder who will actually understand and let me grieve. I wonder if I was predestined for this life or if I was just one massive error."
These are not my words but they are... This is the narrative of a broken Adoptee. Most Adoptee's speak like this...some won't say anything for fear of judgement...my goal for the remainder of my life is to keep the narrative going.