MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
This is not how I wanted to spend my day... I'm sitting hear reading and tweeting... And crying... I'm having a hard time believing that there are people out there that pretend to be an adoptee...how the fuck can that be? Who the fuck would want to go through all of the pain that I've been going through? This is probably going to be 'that' day where all I do is cry...
I'm tired of being adopted...I don't even care if I learn anything about my first family...I'm just tired...I'm tired of the anxiety...I'm tired of the fight or flight response...I'm tired...I'm tired of my illness...I'm tired of the hospitals and the doctors and the nurses...I'm tired of speaking out loud...I'm tired of being alone with my adoptiveness...it's like a disease with no cure.
I'm tired of going on twitter and having to hear more negative about adoption...it's like it never ends...it's like everything that's in my head is being discussed on a public forum...it's scary how there are so many of us that feel this way but there doesn't appear to be anyone hearing us. It's like we're all in this boat but we weren't provided life jackets.
I'm tired. And it feels like I may be drowning.
I don't normally participate on twitter much since I still have so much pain to do with my upbringing, adoption and rejection. It brings up memories that hurt.
I never thought about how narcissistic my Adoptive parents' were until recently. I remember wanting out so bad that I ended up staying at a foster home as much as possible. It was easy to do since I was friends with her daughter. If I wasn't there I was Sleeping under a bridge, in a park or in some random guys bed. I begged the Adoptive parents to let me live in the foster home. They said there was no way that they would sign papers to allow me to move out. They obviously thought that they owned me and they wouldn't want anyone to know that they failed as parents.
This was my childhood. As an adult I am able to look back and see all that is wrong with adoption.
As much as this may sound wrong to some people and how ungrateful they think I am being I am glad that my adoptors are deceased. It gives me the right to not have to pretend anymore that I am the daughter that they wanted to mold into their wants, desires and expectations. It was hard on me and my children because in reality we were nothing like them. In fact I was more of a disappointment to them than they were to me in my childhood. I only had them to look up to. I was grateful that they were going to take in a bastard child. A child that wasn't wanted by their own flesh and blood. Proving that blood isn't thicker than water.
With the month of November comes National Adoption Awareness Month and Remembrance Day.
I am glad I chose to send for my Grandparents Marriage Certificate. I wish I could learn more so I can pass the history on to my Grandchildren. They would be so grateful for what their Grandfather did in his past. They would love to show the respect that he deserves, and share with their friends and school. They would finally be able to produce a real family tree that explains why they are the way they are. It's not just nurture, nature does play a huge role in who you are as much as my first family may disagree. I would love to be able to belong to the history of this great man that I have no knowledge of. I crave the belonging that family has, instead I have to investigate like a common criminal by creeping and snooping out everywhere possible for the information that some people say I don't deserve and I have no right to. Adoption doesn't give a better life for the adoptee, it takes away the Adoptees story. It makes the adoptee have to pretend and act like they belong to strangers. Stockholm syndrome comes to mind.
I read a tweet today about an Adoptee having her First Father texting her. They were emailing each other until now. I love this idea. I am so much better texting people than talking in person or on the phone. Even email would be nice. I wish I had this with my first mother. I have questions with no answers. It's like an emptiness in my heart and brain. These are questions that only she can answer.
I got called out today on Twitter for my inability to understand grammar and spelling. At first I was hurt and unable to process...I took it as a personal hit to me and that I wasn't liked...adoption reared its ugly head. It took me back to not being accepted by my first mother. That was pure pain...raw with no idea on how to cope. As you can see, I took to writing my pain out. Much better than drugs or alcohol.
I've seen alot of Adoptees commenting that they are happy that they were adopted and when another Adoptee pipes up and says anything negative about adoption they get slammed. Viciously. It makes one wonder why they are so against someone for speaking their truth...are they secretly scared to say anything for fear of being judged. Which is one of the side effects of Adoption...fear of judgement...all we really want is to fit into this strangers world...even if we feel like we don't. We want to show our gratitude and if we say anything they may not love us unconditionally. Love=Conditions...Love=Gratitude...Love=Judgement...I know I have finally seen the light...it took me 52 years to come out of the fog but I'm glad I have. If I had kept my blinders on I would've ended up dieing...either by my health deteriorating or suicide...yes adoption can put you into a really bad place...even if you had great Adoptive parents'.
I've been seeing alot of tweets lately from the Adoptee community pertaining to health history. One woman discovered late in life that she has a genetic condition... As well as her children. I feel awful for her. If she had the information earlier on it could've changed her whole life.
Something the kept don't understand is that all of their life they got to grow up with all of their health info right at their fingertips. Every little bit of info... They had their Mother's info...their Aunt's info...their Uncle's info...their brother's info and their sister's info. In fact they even had their Grandparents info.
Everytime I go to any doctors appointment, the first thing they do is hand you forms to fill out... And on these forms they ask if there are any health issues in your family history...like heart disease... diabetes...and so and so one... It hurts when it happens every single time... It's like a roadblock and you need to get through but you're not allowed to for any reason...it sucks.
I told my therapist that this is what I was missing in my life... She said I didn't need it...