MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
Why didn’t Myka Stauffer just raise the money for Huxley’s parents to get the help he needed and keep a family together?
What she ultimately did was buy a baby. That’s really all adoption is about...especially international adoption. They aren’t all orphans, if that were the case, why doesn’t their birth country keep them?
This is what keeps me awake now...I cry for that child...I cry for all of the Huxleys...I cry for Adoptees.
If one more person says adoption has changed, I will probably lose my mind. Can’t they see...can’t they read...can’t they hear?
Has anyone ever questioned why it seems like every adoptee has ADHD/ADD, autism or have RAD? They weren’t relinquished from birth because of these diagnoses, there is no way to diagnose these conditions at birth...this is our brains doing from trauma. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know this, it takes common sense. The experiment has failed. We are the monkey in the lab and we just want to die to put ourselves out of our misery (4X suicide risk).
Please find the time in your life to read this blog post. It explains so much about adoption that is not talked about. There can be a dark side...
Read it, and then go search for more to read on the subject of adoption. There are less adoptees that speak out about how they truly feel because of the fear of upsetting someone. When we keep it inside our brain starts to attack our body. It is part of our neurotransmitters, and if the levels are off, this can impact healthy brain development and plasticity. For example, cortisol, which usually goes up with stress, provides energy for thinking and stamina for dealing with stress or a crisis. This neurotransmitter allows the child to be able to sense and respond to the environment. Fortunately, for the average person, cortisol rises about 30 minutes before awakening to provide energy for the day’s activity. It then subsides and diminishes before bedtime. Cortisol also enhances learning and memory, but prolonged stress with elevated cortisol can decrease a child’s ability to think and memorize. And these elevated levels can lead to emotional and behavioral problems.
When I seen this I felt like it was a bandage for my brain. Not all adoptees get to experience this fairy tale. I know I’m not one. It hurts a little more for me when I know that my brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and birth mother will never want me in their life. It hurts that I have never been held by anyone of my immediate family. I will never get the reunion that little rabbit got with big rabbit.
It’s amazing how the brain works when it has suffered relinquishment. The enhancement of cortisol, PEA and glutamate can cause significant damage to the limbic system (including the hippocampus and amygdala, which control verbal and emotional memories)
I have a hard time slowing my brain down and I know I will never be able to make it ‘normal’. Medication and therapy has helped make me calmer and more rational, but I have lost some skills that I cherished. I would love the opportunity to meet some, if not all of my immediate family to have some healing occur. I don’t want to ruin any more lives than I already have, I just want to feel complete.
Mother’s Day isn’t getting any better for me as it keeps coming year after year. It’s even worse this year then ever before.
My brain keeps telling me that my maternal birth family is telling my mother that she is a good mother for saving them from me. They are telling her that she did a smart thing for getting rid of me. I don’t have that kind of support. No one can tell me that it was a good thing she got rid of me. Even if anyone was cold enough to say it, I wouldn’t believe them anyways. How could a person think it’s good to separate a baby from their mommy? If I had lost my mother during childbirth people would’ve been telling me over and over that she was a beautiful person and that they would be there for me through anything. As an adoptee there is none of that. And in my head I can hear them tell her that I’m crazy because of what I write here and that it’s the best thing ever to have nothing to do with me. She was smart to protect herself from me. No one wants to admit that it was the act of adoption that brought all of these uncontrollable feelings that I have. No one wants to admit that adoption hurt me and left a hole in my heart that may never be healed.
The sad truth about adoption is that the adoptee probably would’ve never have had the problems they do if they had never been got rid of. You’re foolish to think that an adoptee is happy that they were given away. If you take into account that adoption has to start with a babies first trauma being life changing then you can better understand how our brain works.
There have been many discussions that an adoptee can have a chance at a better, more ‘normal’ life if someone could get off their high horse and apologise to the adoptee for the trauma that adoption brought onto them. It was never the adoptees choice for this to happen, but apparently people feel like we are supposed to show gratitude for these decisions. Not one person has ever hugged me or sent me a sympathy card because I lost my mother.
This is not the time to tell an adoptee to ‘get over it’ either. The brain has suffered a trauma. There are many complexities to this and there still aren’t enough therapeutic treatments available.
I wonder how many people commit suicide this week.
I don’t have a mother, in fact I never actually have had one. Someone gave birth to me, but she’s not my mother. Someone took me in when I wasn’t wanted but she wasn’t my mother either. The paperwork that I was given says that they were both my mother. I don’t feel like that should prove to me that I had a mother, but people keep trying to argue with me that it does.
i am a mother. My daughter is a mother. My mother in law is a mother. I’ve seen enough now to know what a mother is.
I do not have a mother. In fact, some days I don’t feel like a mother. I never had a mother to show me how to be a mother. I watch my daughter and my mother in law and I see so many things that they do that I never even attempted. I love my children but I missed out on giving them the mother that I never had.
I was talking with one of my adoptive cousins the other day and the conversation went to her mother and our grandparents. I spent the most time with our grandparents growing up and she wanted to know if they were as awful as her mother and my adoptive father. She thought that our grandfather was the cold one, I had to tell her it was our grandmother.
Mothers Day is a hard one for a lot of adoptees. Birthdays are as well. It really shouldn’t be hard for anyone to understand but it seems to be. I know every year I try to see the positive side to these days but there will always be a hole. I don’t have a Mother.
As I’ve been getting older and have more free time to think, I have more memories coming to light. One of them has been that I would look at women as a child and wonder if she was my mother. Sad how a child has to do this.
I want to share the positive side of me. I’m tired of all the sadness in my head and heart. When I read or hear something good I want to commemorate it. The only problem with that...some people don't like seeing happy, some can only live with anger in their soul. It’s too bad to, everyone is worth a little positivity. The common saying “let it go” gets me in trouble. If I say it in any other way, it gets me in trouble. I would love to be able to let someone know that they really can move forward and stop dwelling on the anger day after day. I would love to be able to let someone know that there really is good out there. For anyone to not see that fact, I feel sad for them. I wouldn’t wish that on my children.
in the past I have tried to share kind words and I was shut down. I took that hard. It felt like my happiness was to be shamed. I need to learn a better way to react to this judgement. I want to have a smile on my face more often than a frown and worry lines. I can’t let people’s hatred of me destroy me. I have grandchildren that need me. I am their only grandmother.
I’ve read a few posts lately from angry Adoptees and I have to say they are pissing me off. For some reason they keep repeating that Birth Mothers and Adoptive Mothers have no right to speak about adoption. I say they do.
When I was a young adoptee there was no one around to observe me. The only person that could see what I was doing and how I was reacting was my adoptive mother. I wish she had been educated about the life of an adoptee. She was unaware to the reality of the trauma and grief that I was going through. If she had known, she probably would’ve tried harder to be the mother that I needed instead of believing the unicorn and rainbow narrative.
Who do these angry adoptees think they are fighting for? I know I don’t like the way they are going about getting people to hear me. I have experienced the ‘get more bees with honey’ style than anything else. I have never been able to get someone to listen to me because I gave them shit for not listening to me. I don’t fault them either. When my adoptive father was giving me shit once and was going on and on in his usual lecture tone, I fell asleep. That didn’t go well. Calling me stupid and a twat didn’t bring me in either. So, once again I would hope that these angry adoptees reel it in. They’re not helping anyone. They look foolish and immature. Almost like they are trying to make the whole adoption community a joke.
If we close the door on the birth mother we are closing the door on the trauma our siblings have had to go through. Why is it their fault? Why shouldn’t there be a round table to speak at? They probably weren’t even aware that they could’ve had a better mother than they got. So much pain in everyone’s lives.
My children deserve to know the truth of the pain that everyone incurred. I don’t want them to hate people that have been traumatized by adoption. They carry their own trauma. Why should they think they need to be angry because I’m angry. I don’t want that for them.
I’m not sure if anyone has noticed that adoptees are more their own person than anyone else. We don’t have a mirror and we don’t know what we’re doing. We start off alone and try to be the blank slate that our Adoptive family was promised. We struggle within with what our head and heart want to be. Out of respect for our saviours we don’t show this side of us. We bury it. There is no one like us. We have DNA that proves that we are meant to be someone but we can’t be. We usually wait until the adoptive parents are dead, but with that wait comes the usual loss of our birth mother as well. We don’t get to ask the important questions that have been burning in our heads since the day we were born.
Having Adoptee Remembrance Day isn’t just about remembering the adoptees that didn’t survive. It’s about the statistics of the attempted suicide rate of 4X. It also needs to be pointed out that I am one of those statistics It’s not just an adoptee statistic, it is a personal statistic with faces attached. We are not faceless, we are real and individual. Part of the problem of course is that we are only thought of as a group. We are, but we aren’t. I am one of many adoptees that have lived through this, but then there are adoptees that didn’t make it. There are too many. One is too many, but when we are 4X more likely to attempt, that’s disheartening.
I hurt talking about this but people need to see the reality of adoption. It’s not a love fest like society has been led to believe. It’s real and it’s painful and it’s complicated and it’s confusing. We are grateful but not for the reasons one would expect. We are grateful for having a roof over our head and food in our belly. We are not grateful for being paraded around for someone’s saviour complex or to make their infertility problems go away. You shouldn’t bring us into your grief, we have our own grief to work on. Our hidden grief. The grief that isn’t always allowed to be talked about. In fact as children we don’t even understand that we are grieving for the loss of our first family. We just vent our pain and trauma in unhealthy ways. Then we are told it’s because our birth mother was a drunk or a drug user. It’s always someone else’s fault and it’s not usually true.
if you still don’t understand why we try to die, maybe you should walk away from your family and change your name so they can’t find you. It’s like having amnesia and not having anyone in your life.
Please think about us before we are dead and another statistic. Please think about all of the adoptees that aren’t here anymore because they didn’t have the proper support. Please remember, just because an adoptee says they’re ok doesn’t always mean that they are ok. They’re usually too embarrassed that you will judge them. No one likes to be judged for appearing ungrateful.
My Best Friends
Scott Alan Warner
Angela Barra’s Medium
Adoptee Rights Australia
NPE and Me
The Invisible Threads