MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
I try really hard to get out of my angry stage of adoption. I’m fortunate that I recognize that this is a stage, not all adoptees will agree with me. But I must also say that I know I can’t ever get rid of my feelings. They are part of my adoption brain. I wish for my health and every adoptee on this planet that we can receive the comfort and understanding that society doesn’t think we need. We hear about how hard the adoptive parents have it when they take in someone else’s ‘problems’. We hear about the trauma and shame that the birth mother had to go through. We hear about how ungrateful we are.
For the first 50 years of my life I suppressed my anger and all other feelings pertaining to my adoption. I can’t say it was a consistent suppression, I would irrationally blow up over the most inconsequential thing, and unfortunately my husband and children had to watch. I’ve had chats with my children about what I put them through and apologized. I will never be able to make it better though. I have damaged them. They are strong but I also know they will never be able to see me on the same playing field as other people.
I want to help others with this trauma but I also have to clear my mind of the negative thoughts I hear in my head. I will not free myself completely because if I do I will forget how it feels and lose my compassion for the suffering. I need to keep compartments for my feelings in my head and keep it organized for when they need to come out.
I live inside my own world of make-believe Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities I see the world through eyes covered in pink and bleach Cross out the ones who held my cries and watched me weep I love everything Fire spreading all around my room My world's so bright It's hard to breathe but that's alright Hush! Shh Tape my eyes open to force reality Why can't you just let me eat my weight in glee? I live inside my own world of make-believe Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities Somedays I feel skinnier than all the other days And some days I can't tell if my body belongs to me I love everything
My Best Friends
Scott Alan Warner
Angela Barra’s Medium
Adoptee Rights Australia
NPE and Me
The Invisible Threads