Scared

I’m scared to tell my therapist that I have lost my daughter and her 4 children...I'm scared she's going to tell me to get over it... It happens to everyone.

It hurts immensely. I haven't stopped crying for 3 days.

I have no idea how to cope with this...I still haven't learned how to cope with my very first emotion that my body had to... Most babies get to see a friendly loving face... Most babies get held right away after birth. Most babies hear soothing voices... Even when they are in incubators. I have none of that to fall back on...I have to internalize my feelings because I learned from birth that no one cares.

What I need is someone to tell me that it is ok to grieve even when I don't know how to. I need someone to help me understand my feelings that I now have. I need someone to tell me that they do care...

What I don't need is someone to tell me that I shouldn't feel the way I do... What I don't need is the payback that I am going through for being born and ashamed and for telling the secret...

I know now that I should've tried harder to keep quiet. I should've kept my feelings to myself. I know now that if I had kept quiet I would've only been hurting myself and obviously I'm the one that deserves to suffer in silence. I'm at fault for hurting so many people. If I could say sorry to every one of my birth family and take away their pain that I caused, I would do it in an instant.

I'm sorry.