Remember to be kind.

Having Adoptee Remembrance Day isn’t just about remembering the adoptees that didn’t survive. It’s about the statistics of the attempted suicide rate of 4X. It also needs to be pointed out that I am one of those statistics It’s not just an adoptee statistic, it is a personal statistic with faces attached. We are not faceless, we are real and individual. Part of the problem of course is that we are only thought of as a group. We are, but we aren’t. I am one of many adoptees that have lived through this, but then there are adoptees that didn’t make it. There are too many. One is too many, but when we are 4X more likely to attempt, that’s disheartening.

I hurt talking about this but people need to see the reality of adoption. It’s not a love fest like society has been led to believe. It’s real and it’s painful and it’s complicated and it’s confusing. We are grateful but not for the reasons one would expect. We are grateful for having a roof over our head and food in our belly. We are not grateful for being paraded around for someone’s saviour complex or to make their infertility problems go away. You shouldn’t bring us into your grief, we have our own grief to work on. Our hidden grief. The grief that isn’t always allowed to be talked about. In fact as children we don’t even understand that we are grieving for the loss of our first family. We just vent our pain and trauma in unhealthy ways. Then we are told it’s because our birth mother was a drunk or a drug user. It’s always someone else’s fault and it’s not usually true.

if you still don’t understand why we try to die, maybe you should walk away from your family and change your name so they can’t find you. It’s like having amnesia and not having anyone in your life.

Please think about us before we are dead and another statistic. Please think about all of the adoptees that aren’t here anymore because they didn’t have the proper support. Please remember, just because an adoptee says they’re ok doesn’t always mean that they are ok. They’re usually too embarrassed that you will judge them. No one likes to be judged for appearing ungrateful.