MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
Every once in awhile I hear my husband's voice come out of my son's mouths... It's crazy. The same thing happens with my husband's brother and nephew's. The looks and the voices come from their father/Grandfather. I understand the whole sense of belonging that this can cause. It impresses me...I want this.
People keep telling me that I should give up on thinking about my first family... They feel that they aren't worth my time... They say that there is no way that anyone with a conscious would treat me the way they are treating me, by blocking me and telling me to keep quiet. They tell me that they must be horribly broken people and that I am a better person than them for believing only good things about them. I have a hard time emotionally letting them go. I feel broken inside and I keep holding out hope that one day someone from my first family may actually reach out to me. I realize these are high expectations and probably groundless...but it's all I have. I believe I need to have a positive outlook.
I feel like I finally got through to someone today. Too bad I didn't think to tell them about the whole identity crisis that Adoptee's can go through.
I experience a split emotion about where I fit in. I don't mean like the kept struggle through...I mean like an Adoptee can struggle through. I don't belong to the First family anymore and I don't belong to the Adoptive family. It's like walking through a tunnel your whole life because you don't have a connection to anyone.
On my therapists wall she has a picture representing how ones life can spiral out of control all to do with emotions. In my adoptee brain that has always been my normal. She finally admitted that maybe my level of anxiety is what keeps me going on with life. I told her that's probably true but I'm tired and I can feel it in my bones. I want it to stop. I think my anxiety may actually be trying to kill me because it knows that I don't belong anywhere.
Everytime there's a holiday I get a little ticked off and stressed out...I get miffed and sad...I get anxious and irritated. Holidays suck... They are riddled with triggers. It's hard to be thankful some days for the grief that we have. I know we're supposed to give thanks today but it's hard when you're sad. I wish holidays were easier...I wish I had some kind of connection to my first mother...or even my Aunts and Uncles. Is it too much to ask to be able to have a relationship with my brother's and sisters.
I know I'm supposed to be thankful, but it hurts to remember what I've lost...
I am so fortunate to have family that talks openly with me. I have another cousin in England that I can communicate with. He only just recently found out about a half brother and 2 half sisters that were adopted. I have to say it doesn't really suprise me though. It appears to be more common than people actually know. Especially in my family.
Everyday someone has a Birthday...everyday an Adoptee has a Birthday...everyday there is a struggle to get through the day...every fucking day! Don't get me wrong, some of the kept have sad thoughts on their Birthday's, but it usually involves them being upset about getting another year older.
The Adoptee has to suffer the grief they have had to endure since birth...how many kept can say this? How many kept dare to say they suffer more on their birthday than an Adoptee?
It would be nice for once to receive a hug of compassion on my birthday from someone who understands that all I want to do is grieve. I need to grieve for the loss of my first mother...I need to grieve for the loss of my heritage...I need to grieve for the loss of my Ancestors...for my loss of who I should've been.
Our brain was rewired a birth...we had no knowledge of this...there were no Doctors that knew this was a thing when I was born. Now that we know this, we can only hope that our healthcare system can get with the program and help us. We shouldn't have to do it alone. We have already had to grow up alone in a family of strangers.