January 09th, 2018

what can I say? WTF...WTF...WTF!!!

I just realized that I am supposed to mourn for a minimum of 25 people. My family that is still alive but I am supposed to think of them as dead...that’s hard. And really quite unfair. All because my birth mother wants me to continue living the secret life...it would’ve been easier for everyone if she had aborted me when she found out she was pregnant with me...WTF! I don’t think anyone understands how hard this is actually going to be for me...it’s like I have to pretend that they were all on an airline trip and it crashed. WTF! Why am I the one that has to be held accountable for what happened 50 years ago? Why am I the one at fault for being born? Why am I the one that has to take all the blame and the shame? Why does my cousin say that my birth mother is suffering? How can she say she suffered when she was married within the year after I was born and had my brother right away...then my brother and twin sister...then another sister and then finally my youngest brother? Was she raped again and again? How was that considered suffering when she went on with her life? How is it that her children and siblings suffered from my birth? They never even knew about me...none of them even heard about this rape that my cousin claims happened...
WTF...WTF...WTF!!!