It's all in the hips...

I've always wondered how my body came to be the way it is... I've always had to live with my Adoptive mother telling me that I should be thin like Twiggy because she was when she was growing up. As hard as I tried I couldn't diet enough to make her happy...my Adoptive father said I was fast as well... My grandmother was embarrassed that I was growing boobs when I was 10. When they took on their homecoming trip to Saskatchewan we stopped at their nieces house and took pictures of me in the field. I was super subcutaneous.

I was always waiting for the comments or the looks of shame from all of them...I could never be who they wanted me to be...I couldn't even come close...I hate that even now I still feel the guilt for being me...

I'm not sure how anyone else feels when their birth mother rejects them twice, but I know how I felt. It was just another replay of all of the pain I had growing up. Everyone tells me that I don't need to please them... They tell me that none of it was my fault. Still hard to truly believe that, especially when you're given away right from birth.

Heads up...this is not me playing the victim...this is me taking back control of my life. The life I never knew I could have. It is hard for me to put these words out there but I believe I am not the only Adoptee that wants to wake up and walk out of the fog that we were placed into. The fog that protected our shameful childhood...our guilt that we had to carry...and the grief that we were never allowed to have.