Forgiveness

I realize that I can’t fault my adoptive father for shutting me out completely. I know how he could only have room in his heart and life for one person at a time and after mom died he only had his son living close to him. I let him have him. After my brother molested me I didn’t fully understand how or why it happened but I feel like I get it now. He was 4 years older than I was and when my parents decided they wanted a baby girl I took all the love and attention away from him that he was used to getting. The best way for him to put me in my place and remind me that I wasn’t Family was to molest me. It worked. I knew my place from that moment on. I struggled with it. I fought with it. I rebelled through it. I made sure everyone knew I didn’t belong. Just as my brother wanted. Not what I wanted but felt that I had no choice. If I said anything then I’m sure they would’ve gotten rid of me.

I’m a little mad that I didn’t get to see my father before he died but at least I know that karma is coming for my brother. He’s all alone now. No wife. No girlfriend. No children.

I have a big project ahead of me. I have to clean out the house that is filled with some of my happier memories. I did not grow up in this house so I don’t have to deal with the bad shit so much. I just have to make sure my brother doesn’t think he’s going to be there at the same time. I can give him forgiveness in my heart and soul but I cannot let him know. I feel that he can live with it. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have the full capacity of compassion or understanding to receive any forgiveness from me.