MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
I feel so different from the people that tried to raise me...everyday I'm reminded of something that they would do and I wasn't comfortable doing. I know I can't be the only Adoptee to go through this and I know I probably won't be the last. I can only hope that we are the last to have to endure this experiment that we had no say in. I can honestly say that I have been to hell and back and somedays it feels like I'm still there...for every positive thing that I experience I question if it's real. This can't be normal.
Over the next little while I will be going through my blog and read it from the beginning to now. I am hoping that I can see some kind of change in me. Positive changes are my goal...I'm hoping I am finally becoming the person that I was born to be...not the clone of strangers.
I have finally got my senses about me...I finally realize that my First Mother and my Aunt's, my Uncle's and my Brother's and Sisters think I want them to take the role of Family members... It's not what I want. I want to be able to sit down and have a mature Adult conversation with them... About who I am and about who they are. About where I come from...about our similarities. About my Grandparents...
I don't feel that that is too much to ask for...I feel like I deserve it...I feel like I am better than being treated like I am a criminal and that I should be punished for being born...I don't think there are very many kept children that feel like a lot of Adoptee's do. We are prisoners of our non stop negative thinking brain. We don't really need our first family to add to our trauma but unfortunately some of us do have this happen.
I read tweets everyday and I get more insight into who I am and what I want out of life..I want to connect with my Aunt... The one that I think can shed more light on my health concerns...the one that knows it all... The one that seems curious about me. I think she should reach out to me while I'm still medicated. I think it would ease her mind... Thankfully I am more in control of myself than I ever have been... And I believe that I am worth getting to know... Not just from my blog... But in real life. I'm not sure what's holding her back... Maybe she's scared of who I once was... Scared of the person that started this blog. I can honestly say because of this blog I have been able to get a better grip on who i was supposed to be...I am the closest I have ever been to being me.
Having my Adoptive father pass on has brought more insight into who I truly am as well. I now understand what fantasy they lived in. They never understood me... They never tried to understand me... They never attached with my children... My children noticed... They were hurt. I cry for the pain my babies had to endure. All we can do is show them that we unconditionally love them... Just us though. Hopefully they can learn to love each other unconditionally... And hopefully one day they will have a significant other that they can feel that love with too. So far no luck on that hope.
Everyday I have an inner turmoil raging inside my mind and my guts...everyday I think about how much my first mother hates me for breaking her secret. It kills me because I can't forgive myself. Why should I be forgiven? What have I done to ease her pain? Nothing. I can do nothing. And because I can do nothing I have to live with the damages I created for other people.
I discovered Steve Maraboli by a simple search. It helps a little but then I have a song playing in my head that explains me and my life better.