MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
Twitter is a wealth of questions and stories that are rarely discussed in public...I appreciate the questions and I love being able to share my opinions and answer the tough questions that hurt most Adoptee's internally. 'Gotcha' is one of those words that break our hearts. I don't know if there really is an acceptable word...it's considered a glorious day for the Adoptive parents' but not for an Adoptee that was just removed from the only person they have known their whole entire life... For them it is 'Trauma'. I don't think traumatic is the word an Adoptive family wants to use for their happy day but it is something that they should consider before they get all gung ho and celebrate 'gotcha day' every year.
How can it not hurt to read these words coming from other Adoptee's?
All I can say is that no matter how you were conceived you are here now and you can only look at all of the good that you have accomplished. That goes for the First Mother's as well, and I know that is hard to hear considering how you feel initially.
At first I was told these same words...I don't have the right to believe or disbelieve as I wasn't there. But then again neither was anyone else. There were only 2 people there and it's up to them to believe what they know to be the truth. This brings to mind the word 'judgement'. It is not our right to judge our first parents...let alone...anyone!
Have I mentioned all of the reading I've been doing? In every book I have read so far I have been able to find at least one good quote. This one can be very helpful for some of the Adoptee's that have only just begun their search for their true roots, and when I say 'true Roots', I actually mean the first family that was taken away from them...that was out of their control. I realize that babies have no control of their family but I also know that those same kept babies have mirroring available to them. Adoptee's lose out on so many things.
Jayne Askin quotes an individual:
"We are not separate or different than those born with a heritage they have always had knowledge of… and the freedom to investigate further if they so choose. Being denied information concerning myself that is not denied a non-adoptee is degrading and cruel… what an invasion of humanity… to close up a human life as a vault somewhere and say, “You may not know about yourself—you have not the right to even ask… your anxieties are neurotic, your curiosity unnatural.”
Post Adoption Depression... What is that actually supposed to mean? Are the Adoptive parents' depressed that they got the wrong baby? Are they depressed because they realized that the child that they waited for isn't and never will be their own child? Seriously...WTF! And people give us Adoptee's a hard time for struggling through life with an identity crisis...
I'm pretty sure the Adoptive family should start showing us, the Adoptee and First Mother some gratitude... Instead of everyone expecting us to be grateful.
When I talk about the Triad with people and let it out that my Adoptive father worshipped Hitler they get a quizzical look on their faces...I then explain to them that I am of English and Scandinavian descent. Then they get an even more quizzical look... Then I give them "the talk".
This is how Adoption used to work... Nobody thought about where the children were being placed. Nobody tried to match up the ethnicities with this experiment. It's sad to look back at these flaws now that I have read so many stories. I mentioned to someone yesterday that I had to be my own therapist because unfortunately we don't have enough competent health professionals. I have been buying every Adoption related book I can find. I've done so much reading that I could possibly start my own practice, or at the very least my own library strictly devoted to the Triad.
I have only one hope, and that is that for every new adoption that happens, there is an older Adoptee available for council... If society can't provide a health professional then they should at least find an Adoptee that is willing to walk the Triad through the trauma... And yes there is trauma no matter what any kept person tells you... everyone in the Triad suffers some degree of trauma.