Recently I got to thinking about what my life could've been... Not that I have the worst life... But I really wanted to know if I had been encouraged in a different way where I would be. Would I still be married to the same guy, would I have had 6 kids, would I have a career... And then, what career would it have been?

I wish I would've been given a heads up earlier on that I would be going through these experiences that nobody talks about. I feel like I was shorted I think alot about how I am grateful for what was given to me, but then I feel like I failed and let everyone down. I don't see the success that my therapist has talked about. The success of asking for help when I needed it the most. Im not sure what other success I could ever have. I appear to have no dreams...I guess one could say that I am successful at playing the role of your typical adoptee... The lies we tell ourselves and others just so we don't hurt anyone's feelings.

I'm sure everyone remembers when they went to school as a child and had to learn how to read and write. I struggle with these memories. When I was quite young I recall playing school with someone or something, of course I was the school teacher and the school was located under a 275 gallon oil tank. I would give anything to be able to remember more of this time in my life, I Bellerive it is key to my life of reading and writing. I know as I got older into grade 7 that I had a hard time putting a book down. I also used to practice and out do anyone that tried to make their cursive writing better than mine. Somewhere along the path of my journey I lost my love...I look back as best I can but I keep running into road blocks. It's like my brain doesn't want to put my body through anymore trauma.