MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
I don't normally participate on twitter much since I still have so much pain to do with my upbringing, adoption and rejection. It brings up memories that hurt.
I never thought about how narcissistic my Adoptive parents' were until recently. I remember wanting out so bad that I ended up staying at a foster home as much as possible. It was easy to do since I was friends with her daughter. If I wasn't there I was Sleeping under a bridge, in a park or in some random guys bed. I begged the Adoptive parents to let me live in the foster home. They said there was no way that they would sign papers to allow me to move out. They obviously thought that they owned me and they wouldn't want anyone to know that they failed as parents.
This was my childhood. As an adult I am able to look back and see all that is wrong with adoption.
As much as this may sound wrong to some people and how ungrateful they think I am being I am glad that my adoptors are deceased. It gives me the right to not have to pretend anymore that I am the daughter that they wanted to mold into their wants, desires and expectations. It was hard on me and my children because in reality we were nothing like them. In fact I was more of a disappointment to them than they were to me in my childhood. I only had them to look up to. I was grateful that they were going to take in a bastard child. A child that wasn't wanted by their own flesh and blood. Proving that blood isn't thicker than water.
I read a tweet today about an Adoptee having her First Father texting her. They were emailing each other until now. I love this idea. I am so much better texting people than talking in person or on the phone. Even email would be nice. I wish I had this with my first mother. I have questions with no answers. It's like an emptiness in my heart and brain. These are questions that only she can answer.
Twitter is a wealth of questions and stories that are rarely discussed in public...I appreciate the questions and I love being able to share my opinions and answer the tough questions that hurt most Adoptee's internally. 'Gotcha' is one of those words that break our hearts. I don't know if there really is an acceptable word...it's considered a glorious day for the Adoptive parents' but not for an Adoptee that was just removed from the only person they have known their whole entire life... For them it is 'Trauma'. I don't think traumatic is the word an Adoptive family wants to use for their happy day but it is something that they should consider before they get all gung ho and celebrate 'gotcha day' every year.
I feel so different from the people that tried to raise me...everyday I'm reminded of something that they would do and I wasn't comfortable doing. I know I can't be the only Adoptee to go through this and I know I probably won't be the last. I can only hope that we are the last to have to endure this experiment that we had no say in. I can honestly say that I have been to hell and back and somedays it feels like I'm still there...for every positive thing that I experience I question if it's real. This can't be normal.
Over the next little while I will be going through my blog and read it from the beginning to now. I am hoping that I can see some kind of change in me. Positive changes are my goal...I'm hoping I am finally becoming the person that I was born to be...not the clone of strangers.
How can it not hurt to read these words coming from other Adoptee's?
All I can say is that no matter how you were conceived you are here now and you can only look at all of the good that you have accomplished. That goes for the First Mother's as well, and I know that is hard to hear considering how you feel initially.
At first I was told these same words...I don't have the right to believe or disbelieve as I wasn't there. But then again neither was anyone else. There were only 2 people there and it's up to them to believe what they know to be the truth. This brings to mind the word 'judgement'. It is not our right to judge our first parents...let alone...anyone!
Have I mentioned all of the reading I've been doing? In every book I have read so far I have been able to find at least one good quote. This one can be very helpful for some of the Adoptee's that have only just begun their search for their true roots, and when I say 'true Roots', I actually mean the first family that was taken away from them...that was out of their control. I realize that babies have no control of their family but I also know that those same kept babies have mirroring available to them. Adoptee's lose out on so many things.
Jayne Askin quotes an individual:
"We are not separate or different than those born with a heritage they have always had knowledge of… and the freedom to investigate further if they so choose. Being denied information concerning myself that is not denied a non-adoptee is degrading and cruel… what an invasion of humanity… to close up a human life as a vault somewhere and say, “You may not know about yourself—you have not the right to even ask… your anxieties are neurotic, your curiosity unnatural.”