MARY LORRAINE DANROTH
My favourite friend was raised Scandinavian. Her mother was a pilot and her Stepfather was an ophthalmologist. My favourite time to visit was Christmas and I always wished that I had the kind of traditions they lived.
Now that i know more about my heritage it means the world to me. My husband has always known that his Grandfather was born in England and his Grandmother was born in Norway. Every year he would make Norwegian Christmas bread. The kids and I loved it. I had never heard of it before but i knew it was special for him. I always wanted that kind of bond to a tradition.
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Sep 6 2018-5 min read.
“The need for connection and community is primal, as fundamental as the need for air, water, and food.” ~Dean Ornish
Let's dissect these words pertaining to me and my Triad...
So in conclusion, it's nice to see someone think they know what will work. It's just not possible until the adoptee can fix themselves from the trauma that they experienced. It would also help if people could acknowledge that the adoptee has struggles that are different than 'normal' people. We have a long journey to endure especially if we realize later in life why we are the way we are. It is also harder to take care of ourselves if we are rejected again from the very person that we had love for...our first love...our mother.
This is not a 'Blame Game'. This is our adopted life. No one should be allowed to judge any of us in the Triad. It is only for us to make it better for each other. There is no one that knows us better than us. At the end of the day, we are the only ones that can fix each other.
I had an epiphany...my husband grew up moving on average 3 times a year. Which in turn forced him to have to disconnect from anyone that may have tried to befriend him. Sadly it did happen a few times which in turn brought unto him loss. As a child we don't think that this will have a lifetime effect, but it does. You don't just move on and get over it...you become a loner. I think this is why we connected on such an interesting level. It wasn't that he was just another challenge for me to conquer and walk away from. I actually had a deeper understanding of his heart and mind and trauma. We clicked. Very rarely can an adoptee have that kind of attachment. Adoptee's almost always have relationship problems. They won't normally commit as the pain of the first committment was terminated at birth. The mind and body do not want to allow it to happen again for fear of the next time it could result in death. The adoptee pushes people away regularly. The intrinsic memory is far too painful to go through it again.
He has been my rock for 35 years...I can only hope that one day I can be his rock.
Adoptive parents usually struggle with finding the words to answer their child's question, "why was I adopted?" A good response is, "Your birth parents chose adoption because they didn't feel able to parent you at that time." This statement provides the truth, allows room for birth parents to parent other children, and does not include love or money as reasons for the adoption. Saying a child was adopted because the birth parents loved them sets up love to mean leaving. Saying a child was adopted because the birth parents were poor sets up money and abandonment issues.
Source: Marlou Russell,Ph.D
Sometimes I will read something that makes perfect sense and open my eyes to who I was and who I've become.
This soul has said what I always believed about myself. Now that I have recently learned this I have noticed feelings that I'm not comfortable with. I feel hurt when I feel that I'm being judged by family. It's not just as simple as this sounds. I know that I am extra sensitive. I always have been. I've always buried the feelings as soon as I felt hurt personally. I always put on the good face and pretended that I was stronger than I actually was. I could never let anyone see my sadness. I wanted everyone to think I was 'OK'. Now I cry in front of people. It's weird. I tell my children I love them. I tell my Grandchildren I love them. I tell my cousin's I love them. I tell my Aunt's and Uncles I love them. It makes my children uncomfortable when I do this and when I see that they are uncomfortable I take it personally and it hurts me. I put my heart out there and then when they question it, I cry. Hence the therapy.
Even though the grandchildren show up everyday, I still struggle with emptiness. I love being able to be their mormor and giving them what I never got. A true sense of belonging. The ability to teach them their heritage. But I still keep reminiscing about the day I received my DNA results. It was my husband's birthday and we were in Moose Jaw to celebrate his birthday...instead I cried for the next 3 months.
Having the grandsons here has really helped me understand family better than anything else in this world...
When I was young I was told that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone (especially the grandparents) what was going on in our house. Of course I understood that if I did that I would've been sent away again. I was born to be a disposable child.
I just found out that the grandchildren were not to discuss their home life as well...not good...it didn't stop the one child though. He obviously feels completely at home with me to tell me stuff.