I’ve been struggling with so much overwhelmingness that I needed to take a break. Now I realize how much I miss writing down my thoughts and feelings that get built up in me until I feel like I need to scream.

My husband arranged the finances for us to go to my birth Fathers Family Reunion. The BF wasn’t there of course. In fact when my Aunt called him about something else he was telling her that she had better not be calling him about ‘that girl’. She wasn’t of course but it pissed her off and she got the answer she called about and then ended the call.

My cousin created a Facebook page to get the reunion in full swing. She invited everyone that needed to be invited and then we could acknowledge as to whether or not we would be there. Of course I said yes, as well as 20 or so other people. My one sister said she couldn’t make it but the other one said she would. As we got closer to the shindig she started waivering. My Aunt pulled me aside to tell me that this sister called her a few weeks back having a meltdown. For some unknown reason she never knew about me even though our little sister did. It was quite upsetting to her but our Aunt was able to calm her down. And as you can guess she never came to the reunion.

As I approach another Birthday I just get more frustrated with the reminder that my Birth Mother’s family is telling people that I was the result of a rape. It frustrates me to realize that the mere thought of me makes her family hate me. It’s a harsh reality to dislike oneself due to someone else’s actions but what else am I to think.
“I hate me, do you hate me, who doesn’t hate me?”