I know I’m supposed to control my negative thoughts and only have ‘healthy or harmful’ thoughts but...that’s easier said than done...

Today’s words of wisdom are to say positively reinforcing words. Saying good things about oneself is meant to take back control of myself...it is meant to make one feel better about themselves.

So...here goes...

I love being able to see Aryanna and Konnor dance and smile and tell me stories and kid around with each other, especially when I come home and they’re at my house.

I love how my cat knows that he can sleep on me like he’s my weighted blanket. He loves me unconditionally.

I’m ecstatic that mom and dad omitted my adoption status on the family tree. I’m sure it will confuse other people though that want to know how I’m related if I’m not DNA related.

I’m glad that I’m 5 hours away from Madeson.

I’m thankful that Randy’s Mom and Dad allowed me to stay in their home when I was 16 and Randy was 22.

I’m thrilled (and anxious) about the Skidmore-Sowerby Family Reunion in August.

I’m grateful to the family that has accepted me back into the family after my adoption.

I love the warm sunshine.

I love Sunday drives.

I’m grateful that I finally know where my roots come from. And my sense of humour. And my IQ. And my kindness. And why I’m blonde. And why I have arthritis.

I’m happy that it seems like some people like me.

After many years of thinking about tattoos I think I have finally found the one I want...

It feels so wrong to say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’...
It feels wrong to have someone say it to me...
This pain will never stop, no matter what I try, no matter what my husband tries to do...
I know I can’t be the only one that has to feel this way...but what I want to know is why doesn’t anyone care and legitimately try to help instead of telling me to look at what I have and be good enough with that...
Do they not understand what it feels like to not be wanted from the one person that cared to give you life and then rejected again for a second time in your so called grateful life?

all of my random thoughts have to go somewhere...otherwise I would go crazy with wonder and confusion.

How many adoptees think that they are actually guinea pigs? Does anyone else feel like society is watching to see what we do...to see how crazy we look...to wait for our breaking point...sometimes it feels like my psychiatrist and therapist and doctor are using me as their teacher. Like I’m the one that is showing them the way. I feel like there is no one out there that can help me since no one has ever talked about their secret...their secret of how they were conceived and how/why they were given away.

It frustrates me that the adoptee is blamed for wanting to know everything the biological children have access to. What makes biological children better than the adoptee? Why do people feel that we are being unreasonable with our simple request.

I got to thinking the other day about the words slander and defamation...
I know that some family members of mine would freak right out knowing what I write here but I also know that I’m the one that has had to keep the secret. I know first hand now what happens to people that keep secrets and it’s not pretty. I’m not interested in going back to the hospital just because my brain is not wired like normal people. It’s not my fault that the only person I bonded with for nine months decided to disconnect from me when I was born. It’s not my fault that I wasn’t wanted but unfortunately my baby brain says it has to be my fault. Why else would my mother not hold me when I was born. My baby brain is stuck in the continuous loop of being unwanted. I struggle with allowing anyone in my bubble.