I wanted you in my life
But you didn’t want me.
I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
Is it because I didn’t deserve you.
Or is it because you didn’t deserve me.
I have all these unanswered questions
And you are the only one with the answers.
I will end up going to my grave knowing
You didn’t want me in your life.

I learned something about myself today. I’m not a nice person. I think I know why I was blocked by another adoptee that I truly trusted and looked up to. She said she had no time for people that would speak up for themselves and look like they were cyber bullying someone. I know there has been a few times when an adopter has said that we should’ve been aborted instead of being given to a loving adoptive family. We were showing how ungrateful we were because we would speak up and try to explain what adoption trauma is. Sometimes they would tell us that we are sick in the head and that we should seek help with a professional, and of course that would get me riled up again. I live in the middle of nowhere with no access to an adoption competent therapist.

It hurts everyday to have someone say things about how great adoption is without thinking about the abuse that we are generally subjected to. The statistics that an adoptee is 4X more likely to attempt suicide should open someone’s eyes. But it doesn’t do a thing. Our penal system is over represented with adoptees. There tend to be more adoptees living on the streets than what people realize.

So here I am realizing that for me to be a good adoptee I need to keep my mouth shut and let people just go on their merry way and continue the fantasy adoption narrative. I’m not sure if her way is going to help people understand that we are in pain but I need to be quiet for the sake of not tipping the boat full of happy people.

Maybe if I’m a good adoptee and keep my thoughts to myself and not voice my opinion on social media my brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and mother will talk to me.

I know I still struggle with rejection massively since when I found out why this other adoptee blocked me, I cried all day. I don’t know if this problem I have is ever going to be fixed but I sure hope so. My kids, grandkids and husband are suffering because of me.

It’s been 3 years to the day...it was my husbands birthday. We had planned on having a nice visit with a single mom and her son. She had a birthday cake and they were excited.
We woke up that morning in our hotel room and slowly got moving. I was a lot slower cause I had a few too many ‘cocktails’ (Kraken) the night before, the husband was doing his usual thing, checking his email. Then...he stopped and looked at me with a worried but happy and surprised look. He said i got the results back from my DNA test. I grabbed my phone and opened the app. Then I don’t know what happened. I fell apart...like literally fell apart. I’ve never cried like I cried that day. All I remember is seeing my match and closing the app. Then we got in the car and drove to the friends to let her know that I wasn’t keeping it together and that we were heading home.
For the next 4 hours in the car I cried and cried and cried. I wanted to message her, my cousin Cindy, but I couldn’t mentally bring myself to do it.
In the meantime I tried to figure out ‘my’ family tree so I googled...I found a Danroth Family group on Facebook. Wow. That was everything I could’ve wanted. They had a full tree with everyone I was related to. I got to work. I built my tree without me.
It took me 18 hours to finally put together some words to say to my cousin Cindy, and there were a lot of words. It was 2:22 AM but I didn’t care. 16 hours and 59 minutes later she responded. OMG!