I've had so much on my mind lately that I couldn't even write about it.
When I found out my adoptive father died I broke down in the hospital. Ever since then I have gone through so many emotions...in fact 'every' emotion that you can go through. I have had to deal with my adoptive father's son...the child molester. It was killing me until I finally got the guts to send a text that turned the page...

sometimes I read things that make me go hmmm...I am Scandinavian and English. I have a first cousin once removed that was left in foster care and then recovered by his Grandparents. They were Norwegian and Swedish. Now I understand why he was kept in the family and I wasn’t. My birth mother’s mother was English as was my Birth father. So needless to say...’I was less worthy for having been born on the ‘wrong side of the sheets’.

I figured something else out tonight...people innocently judge your intelligence by who your family is...I now know why some people thought I was dumb...some of my adoptive family had issues and tried to place me in that circle. As I got older and moved away to where no one knew me and I could shake the stigma of being less than intelligent I actually was told by people that I was smart. Talk about make an adoptee feel good about themselves...

I’m still struggling to let go of my birth family...so unfortunately I’m still googling them...but at least I came up with a really good idea...when babies are going to be adopted and there is no saying as to when they will be connected to their new parents, maybe someone should take some pictures in the following days after birth. It amazes me that no one seems to think about those first few days. The memories that that baby could have just by having that simple keepsake. Even having a picture of the birth parents would be a beautiful gesture.

it amazes me that as you get older you realize that you need to make connections with people that you have lost touch with for whatever reason. But my adoptive father never really understood this concept. My adoptive mother’s brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews do. My birth mother’s Aunts and Uncles and cousins do. In fact even my birth father’s family has reached out to me. Unfortunately my birth mother, her siblings, her nieces, nephews and children and grandchildren do not. I’m not sure if they think I’m the evil being because I’m adopted and disposed of at birth. I keep wondering why and why do some people accept me and some people shut me out.
These are the things that an adoptee can think about in their head...not something that people that are raised in a bio family usually go through.

Is it possible that it was my paternal Grandmother that told my birth father that he couldn’t have anything to do with me so my birth mother was disappointed and put me up for adoption.

today turned out to be just as eventful as last night. My Uncle called and told me that he missed my mom and that I sounded just like her. He also informed me that he wanted to try and open up the conversation with my birth father...his friend, about the baby that was given up for adoption over 50 years ago. I feel bad for him and my Aunt that they figured out who he was because of the pictures that I received from my birth fathers cousin that I posted for my paternal side of the family. I never would’ve expected this to happen. I could’ve left it alone since I now know my ancestry. I told my Uncle if my birth father actually says that I am his, that all I need him to do is to let him know that I’m good and had the best mother possible. I’ve read so many stories and posts about birth parents being just as traumatized as the adoptee that I worry about my birth parents being ok. I realize that there will be no communication with my immediate birth mother’s side of the family and I’m ok with that. With the stories that they are telling me without respect to the two sides to every story rule I don’t need that judgement in my life. I have already been judged all of my life because I was adopted. There is and has always been a stigma for being an adoptee. Even if you don’t tell anyone that you’re adopted they know. You look different. And you have different quirks. It’s obvious that you are adopted. All I really want is to see pictures and hear voices. I want to feel like I actually came from something not just “you’re lucky you’re a gift. Be grateful”. The extra bonus would be that my birth parents find comfort from the stigma of the dirty little secret that once was. I am no longer that and I would hope that they can release it too.

this evening took a very weird turn...my adoptive mother’s brother wanted me to call him. It turns out that he has known my birth father for the last 30 years! In fact he had seen him 4 hours before I called him.
Remember how I said there are two sides to every story...well there’s actually more sides now. My Aunt and Uncles side. The side that says the rape story doesn’t sound right to them either...
I’m lost for words. I messaged my birth fathers sister to see if she has talked with him yet...I have to be patient...waiting for her to read my message is painful. I don’t handle patience well...

has anyone thought about what the adoptive family has had to go through? Yes indeed they chose to take on this chosen gift but in reality does anyone think about what they have chosen to get themselves into? Sometimes I think about how much crap I put my adoptive parents through and then try to talk myself into believing that it wasn’t me that did it to them...I tell myself that if it weren’t for my adoption issues and their son molesting me I probably would’ve been a great gift that they chose. But instead I get caught up in the mess of what happened to me and want to blame myself without realizing it wasn’t my fault. I’ve never wanted to play the victim card but some days I think it would be easier. And then I go through the guilt of wanting sympathy for something that happened to me and knowing that no one believes in giving sympathy to a victim. People tend to think that you are supposed to be strong and positive thinking. I think they forget that adoptees have always had to be strong and positive thinking since the day they were born. They have had to be warriors all their life...most people don’t have to live that way. Most people have happy/normal childhoods. Safe and protected.